"can I?"

“Did you offer to break his arms and legs?” Chad snickered.

I laughed my reply out loud. “No!”

“Can I?” he asked with a big grin.

Here’s the thing about Chad…if you hurt Ashlee or me, he truly might do just that.

I felt bad about the advice I gave her about the boyfriend going off to grad school because I worried it came across as cold-hearted. It wasn’t meant to be unfeeling, so I asked Chad his take on it.

“You were right, Red. You said the same thing I’d say to my boys in a similar situation. Ash knows you meant it with all the love in your heart,” he smiled at me.

“God, I hope so!” I shook my head. “I’d really hate to have to snap him like a twig if he doesn’t treat her respectfully about this.”

Here’s the thing about me…if you hurt my daughter, broken limbs will be the least of your worries.

a heartbroken kid

There’s nothing worse than heartbreak. Especially when it’s your only child.

All I heard was a very faint, “Mom,” on the other end of the phone followed by copious amounts of sobbing.

Concerned, I asked her what was wrong. When she didn’t respond right away, I waited patiently for her to tell me.

Apparently, the live-in boyfriend just informed her that he would be graduating early in December and was going to leave after graduation to attend grad school overseas. He wants her to quit school and go with him.

She’s obviously upset but she only has two semesters left to get her degree. Ashlee is devastated and wasn’t sure what she should do. I tried my very best not to give her any advice unless she asked for it.

“What should I do, Mom? I don’t know what to do!” she cried.

And there it was. She asked.

“Ash, I think you should let him go to grad school while you finish your degree. When you graduate, if you still want to be with him then, and only then, should you consider moving overseas to be with him. Have the two of you talked about having a future together?” I asked.

“No,” she sniffled.

“Then there’s your answer,” I replied. It felt cruel to say it, but it was what I knew Nick would tell her too.

As expected, my response caused her to cry even harder.

Some days it sucks to be Mom.

house envy

 Okay. I’m going to admit this with my outside voice. I have some SERIOUS house envy happening.

My jaw dropped to the floor when Chad and I walked into the house he’s purchasing.

From the outside the house is very, very cool but looks small. That is, until you get to the inside and realize it’s three open levels with massive skylights. His dad designed this house in the mid-1970’s but it is worthy of Architectural Digest today. I cannot believe how modern this house looks. Everything, except the interior paint color, is original.

“Holy shit, Chad! This is INCREDIBLE!” I was still in disbelief.

He smiled down at me. “Told ya my dad was good!” 

The owner that recently passed away was half of the couple his dad designed the house for. Her husband passed away in the late 1990’s. These were the original owners and it had never been sold or changed since being built.

When he called the daughter of the deceased to tell her he would buy it, she went on and on about how out of date it was and would need a ton of updating. Because of this and the fact she wouldn’t need a realtor, she offered it to him for one-third of what we thought she’d ask. Chad was in such disbelief he asked her twice to repeat the price.

“I’ll give your lawyer a check for the full amount today, if that’s acceptable,” he stated.

After he hung up the phone, I just looked at him.

“I don’t think this house needs updating at all!” I spoke up.

He smirked at me. “Neither do I. All it needs is a fresh coat of interior paint. It must not be her style because my dad always thought ahead and designed for the future. Look at these cabinets and floors, Red.”

I was definitely looking at everything. Outside there are huge, mature trees. There is a large plant atrium in the middle of the house. The master bedroom has an enormous flat skylight. It’s like living in a luxury tree house! I am sincerely envious of his new house.

He’d just bought a to-die-for three-bedroom, four-bathroom house for an unbelievable price!

“Oh my god! I might just have to move in here,” I joked.

Chad snickered and replied, “I know I’d like that!”

the hunt

 On Saturday and Sunday Chad and I spent the days house hunting for him. I thought we were going to look in the same town he was living in but he stated he wanted to move to the town I live in as he’d be closer to three of his sons.

The realtor already had a buyer for his house so it was urgent we find another place for him to live.

Disappointingly, none of the houses the realtor showed Chad here were the right fit for him. Fortunately for him I had an ace up my sleeve.

A little background on Chad: his dad used to be a rather famous architect in this state. When Chad and I were dating, he drove me around three different towns to show me the outsides of the houses his dad designed. I know his architectural tastes like the back of my hand. When his parents divorced when he was thirteen, his dad moved to Oklahoma which is why Chad grew up in two states.

“This is going to be a lot harder than I thought, Red,” he sighed.

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

He replied, “Yeah, of course I do.”

I made a call to a friend of mine and asked if we could meet at a specific location.

“I’m driving!” I smiled and took the car keys out of his hand.

When we pulled up in front of the place I had in mind, Chad was shocked.

“My dad designed this place!” he smiled as we pulled into the driveway.

I knew that. He’d always driven me by this house whenever he was in town. A long time ago he told me he’d actually been there with his dad when it was being built. He said it was his “favorite place”.

I introduced Chad to my lawyer friend who told Chad the owner had recently passed away and that the beneficiary was intent on selling it. The lawyer started to ask him if he would like to buy it. Before the lawyer even finished his sentence, Chad shouted “YES!”.

Chad gave me a great big hug. “How did you know this place was going to be for sale?”

“Mom was a friend of the lady who owned it. She knew she died and her daughter lives on the East Coast and wouldn’t be moving back,” I smiled. “Her lawyer is also Mom’s lawyer. It’s a small town. Word gets around.”

“I love you, Red!” he smiled and hugged me tightly again. “You really do have a knack for helping everybody find whatever they want or need. You’re…so special, honey! You truly are!”

“Didn’t you want to know what the price is before you said ‘yes’?” I chuckled as we stepped inside.

“Don’t care!” he laughed. “It’s mine now!”

"cruel to be kind"

Ashlee…you’d never asked me to tell you exactly what happened the day your daddy died until yesterday. It’s not something I ever really wanted to go into detail about with you. It’s not something a parent should ever have to explain to their child.

But here we are.

You have questions. That’s completely understandable. I want to be honest and tell you. What I need you to understand is how extremely difficult it is for me to have to recall that day.

I couldn’t get through it telling you over the phone, so you asked me to write it down on this blog.

If you really MUST know…read on. If not… please stop reading now.

 

He planned it.

On September 21^st, 2020, Nick called Chad and invited him to come to dinner on September 23^rd. Chad said he was “insistent”. So much so, Chad cancelled a date.

About forty minutes before Chad was supposed to arrive, Nick asked me to go to the butcher shop to pick up the steaks he’d ordered for dinner. He insisted I take his car instead of our old Subaru Forrester (which was the car I normally drove). The Subaru was in the garage and his vintage Mach 1 was parked directly behind it in the driveway. It made sense to me to take his car at the time.

Before I left for the shop, he hugged me tightly and kissed me telling me how very much he loved me. That was not out of the norm. It’s what we always did when one of us left the house. I smiled, told him I loved him too, and said I’d be back in twenty minutes.

After I left the house and was about five blocks away, I suddenly remembered I’d left my wallet on the kitchen counter. I turned around and headed back home to retrieve it.

Instead of pulling into the driveway, I left the car running in the street in front of the house. As I started to get out of the car, I heard what sounded like a loud muffled gunshot and glass shattering. I quickly pushed the garage door opener on the car visor to open the door.

Once inside the garage and when I realized what happened I was feral. It felt as if my brain and heart were exploding simultaneously. “HELP ME!” were the only words I could scream out. The whole neighborhood heard me.

The young doctor who used to live across the street ran full speed and barefoot up the driveway and into the garage. He told me to stay back. I just couldn’t do that. I pulled the Subaru door open and grabbed onto Nick. I desperately wanted to believe he was still alive. The doctor called 911 from his cell phone and tried his best to console me when we both realized Nick was indeed dead.

The police and ambulance arrived within minutes.

Chad arrived early, saw our street blocked off with all the emergency vehicles, heard me screaming, got out of his car in the middle of the road and ran across our neighbor’s lawn shouting my name at the top of his lungs.

He found me covered in blood kneeling on the garage floor sobbing and shrieking. Chad grabbed the closest paramedic and demanded they give me a sedative to calm me down. When the man wasn’t moving fast enough, Chad grabbed the hypodermic needle out of the stunned paramedics hand and administered it to me himself. He pulled me up off the ground into his arms and carried me inside the house. 

After the injection, I didn’t come to until the very early morning of the next day.

When I woke up to a pounding headache on the living room couch, I thought I’d had a nightmare. I hoped it had all just been a nightmare. By the look on Chad’s tear-stained face, I knew it wasn’t.

Chad didn’t know what Nick had planned. He thought he was just coming for dinner that night.

Ashlee…I didn’t see it coming and there weren’t any clues or warning signs. I had no idea your daddy had fourth stage Cancer with “no hope in sight”. He never told me. In his letter he said by the time he found out he had Cancer his body was “riddled with it”. He didn’t want me to watch him die after everything we’d been through. He said suicide was his way of being “cruel to be kind”.

Ultimately, all you really need to know is that he loved us so much more than either of us realized.

how?

How do you move forward after loving the most extraordinary human being you’ve ever met?

changes

I meant it when I told Chad I wasn’t over Nick. What I didn’t tell him is that I may never ever be able to get over him. Irregardless of the fact he chose to end his own life, Nick ruined all other men for me just by being himself.

Being in this house hasn’t helped. I keep expecting him to be leaning on the kitchen counter while drinking his coffee when I come down in the morning or to walk around the corner of the hallway upstairs to surprise me or to be napping peacefully on the couch in the family room. Occasionally, I still catch a whiff of his sandalwood soap as I walk past his bathroom. Everything here has memories of him and our life together.

The house is paid for. It’s in an excellent neighborhood close to a large park, small lake, and five miles of walking trails. It’s also one of the most peaceful places I’ve ever lived. You can hear a pin drop at 10:30 p.m. at night. What I’m saying is I don’t see any reason to sell it. So…I’ve decided to make some changes to this house and decided to do it in a very big way all at once.

Last week I had a contractor we had planned to hire to do some work for us come by the house. He was a little surprised when I handed him a three-page list of major changes I want to make to this place during our discussion. He was impressed by how detailed my list was. Apparently, I’ve “thought of everything”. He will provide all the labor and rebuilds and I will do the interior design. We will work together to make this into the home I want it to be now.

As for Chad, he may have a few more years to wait for me. I’m not ready to have any man in my life just yet. I want to continue to be on my own for the time being.

"waiting in the wings"

For years Chad has always been Wiley E Coyote to my Road Runner. I’m usually at least three steps ahead of him.

Usually.

It was the term “waiting in the wings” Ashlee used. I knew where that came from and who it came from.

So…I called Chad.

He asked, “Did Ash call you about this weekend?”

“Why yes she did!” I replied while laughing.

“Damn! That kid of yours pumped me for all kinds of information! ‘What did you do? What did you eat? What did you watch? Did you sleep over?’ Jesus, Red, I felt thoroughly grilled!” Chad laughed hard. “Maybe she should consider a career at the FBI!”

I chuckled, “I think she was trying to see if our stories matched.”

We laughed for a few minutes about our conversations with her.

And then I just had to open my mouth and ask…

“Did you tell her you’d been waiting in the wings for me for over thirty years?”

“Yeah. I said that. How long have we known each other, Red?” he asked.

“Thirty-four years?” I questioned if my math was correct.

“And do you recall me telling you several years ago many times I was having to move at the speed of lightning to be with you before the next man came along?” he asked.

I replied with a laugh, “Yes I remember but I know you were just teasing me!”

Momentary silence.

“Nope! No, I wasn’t. If you haven’t noticed I’ve just been bidding my time until you were single again. Honey, I know you’re not over Nick yet. You made that clear to me and I’m going to respect that. I want you to know that no matter what I will still be here…waiting on you…for however long it takes. I mean that,” he stated quite clearly.

I was honestly speechless.

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” he asked. I could hear his smarmy smile over the phone. 

I couldn’t even come up with a good comeback to that.

He snickered. “I can’t believe you’ve got nothin’ to say in response! I swear, Red, you are the most exasperating woman it’s ever been my privilege to never fall out of love with.”

Well. Now I know how it feels to be Wiley E Coyote… 

my not-so-little matchmaker

Last night Ashlee called me to ask about my weekend.

She asked, “Did you and Mr. Chad have fun on Saturday?”

I told her he and I always have fun. Well…except that one day three years ago. The day Nick died.

“Did he spend the night?” she boldly inquired.

I was taken aback by her line of questioning. “Ashlee!”

“Mom…did he?”

“He'd had too much to drink so he slept on the couch if you must know. I wasn’t about to let him drive home in the condition he was in,” I replied.

“I know you dated each other way back when. I know you broke up with him. Carson (his son) told me. What I don’t know is why. Why did you do that, Mom?”

I felt as though she was rehashing my life decisions and giving me the third degree.

“Honey, I was in love with him but he wanted to get married and have children. I wasn’t ready to get married at that point in my life and I couldn’t have children. I loved him enough to let him go find what he wanted,” I responded.

Ashlee was quiet for a minute.

“Why are you asking me about this, honey? This is old history,” I stated.

She then said this, “Here’s what I think…” She sighed. “I know no one can ever replace my daddy. No one ever. But I think Mr. Chad would be the next best choice for both of us and I think you should think about that seriously.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. I’m so glad she “thinks” so much. That expensive college is sure paying off!

“Are you trying to fix me up with Chad?”  I snickered my response.

“DUH!” she shouted into the phone. “That’s why I called him to help you! He’s the only other person I know that makes you happy. Be a grown up, Mom, and open your eyes!”

Wow! Nick was right. She does get more like me every day.

I started to say something and she interrupted me…

“He’s been waiting in the wings for you to give him another chance for over thirty years! Mr. Chad is alone and you’re alone and I don’t want you to be alone anymore. I’ve always liked him. I think it’s time for you to move forward. What are you waiting for?”

What indeed.

new rule #1: never turn down the offer of pricey whiskey from a good man

I asked him to show up late Saturday afternoon.

He showed up at nine a.m.

When Chad arrived, it was with two bottles of very expensive whiskey and a great big smile.

“Are you planning on us getting drunk?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Oh lord I hope so!” he laughed.

“Then come on in!” I smiled.

Later in the day…

I had to ask. “Chad, why are you available on a Saturday night? Saturday nights were always your big date nights. You know…along with Monday through Friday nights too,” I remarked with a giggle.

He shook his head while laughing. “Red,” he replied and cleared his throat, “I got three boys in college and one in medical school. Dating is currently out of my price range. Christ, my boys’ educations are costing me a fortune!”

“So…being available tonight has nothing to do with spending time with me?” I smirked while I poured another drink for him.

He simply grinned.

I knew what the answer was. I wanted to see if he would be brave enough to tell me.

A little over half of a bottle of pricey whiskey later…

“I’m thinkin’ about selling my house,” he stated very matter of fact.

“Where would you live?” I asked.

“I don’t know, honey. Haven’t given it much thought. Now that the boys are grown, I don’t need a five-bedroom house anymore. A one or two bedroom would suit me just fine,” he said.

He continued with, “Are you gonna keep this big place? I mean, it’s an awful lot of house and yard for just one person.”

I’d never thought about selling this place. It’s paid for so I didn’t see the need.

“Are you asking if you can move in with me to save money, Chad?” I snickered.

“God no, Red! I would never ask somethin’ like that of you!” He seemed to be mildly offended I’d asked.

But then this came right out of his mouth, “Unless, of course, you’re asking me to move in with you. Now that would be a different story.” He was trying not to smile when he said it. “Next thing you know I’d move in and you’d make me into your boy-toy in exchange for rent or some such shit.”

We both looked at each other and then simultaneously burst out laughing.

“More whiskey?” he smirked while holding the bottle above my glass.

My god that whiskey was much too tasty and way too potent!

"i guess i could do that."

When I got home from seeing Ashlee, I felt better than I’ve felt in a very long time. I finally felt at peace. I looked around this big empty house and thought I’d like to have some company.

Yesterday, I picked up the phone and called Chad.

“What are you doing Saturday night?” I asked him.

“Let me check my busy social schedule.” I heard him flipping through pages of what I suspected was a magazine. “Hmmm…looks like I’m open. Sounds like you have something in mind for me, Red. Would you like to tell me what I’m gonna be doing?” he snickered a little too loudly.

What he said made me laugh. “I’d like to ask if you’d like to come here and hang out with me. Maybe have dinner together and watch a movie later?”

I could hear his big grin over the phone. “I guess I could do that,” he replied.

"you're old enough to make your own choices."

After her classes on Monday, Ashlee and I took a walk around her campus.

It truly is beautiful! I understood why she chose this college over all the ones she was accepted to.

We sat down on a bench under a large old tree to have a private heart-to-heart conversation. It was time to talk about the live-in boyfriend I knew nothing about.

She was embarrassed I’d found out like I did. I asked her if the relationship was serious. She shrugged her shoulders as if that were her answer.

I smiled reassuringly. “I have no right or reason to judge you, Ashlee. You’re twenty-one and a young woman now. You’re old enough to make your own choices.”

“I should have told you, mom. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry about me with everything else that’s happened,” she responded with her head down.

“Honey…I just ask you to be careful, okay? As long as the right-wing American Taliban is in Congress you won’t have ANY choices about your own body in this country as a woman. I want you to be able to have and do and be anything you want. All I want is for you to be very careful since you’re sharing a bed with him. Birth control pills AND condoms every single time until you’re ready and want to have a child. And please…please finish college. You worked so hard to get here. I don’t want you to throw this opportunity away. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.” I ran my hand along the side of her head and down her long auburn locks.

I put my finger under her chin to lift her head.

“At least it was me at the door. Imagine if he had answered the door looking like that with your daddy standing on the other side?” I snickered. “Holy shit! That boy would be SO dead!”

We both laughed loudly. It felt so good to finally be able to laugh with my daughter again.

 Tuesday, I woke up very early, packed my bag, and was ready to head home.

“Drive carefully and please call me when you get home,” Ashlee said sleepily as she hugged me.

“Ok kid! I’ll try to keep it under one hundred,” I chuckled. “I love you so much! Thank you for being the best daughter a mom could ever ask for,” I replied and kissed her cheek.

Nine hours into the return trip my cell phone rang. I pulled over to answer it.

“Mom,” Ashlee paused momentarily. “Thank you for coming to visit and letting me know you’re doing better. It means an awful lot to me that you drove all this way to see me. Would it be okay if I come home for Christmas break?” she asked.

“I would love that! Honey, you never need to ask to come home. However, if you’re bringing that sexy boyfriend of yours he WILL be sleeping in the guest room all alone. My house – my rules!” I snickered.

“Oh mom!” she laughed. 

when a surprise is a little more surprising than you expect…

 With the house and garage now cleaned up and Nick’s things removed I felt soundly kicked out of my old comfort zone. And now I had a vehicle. I find a road trip is always the best way to clear my mind.

At dark-o-thirty Sunday morning I packed a bag and decided to take the cross-country drive to surprise my daughter at college. And by “surprise” I mean I didn’t inform her I was coming.

Well…the surprise was on me.

After driving around the campus for half an hour, I finally found her new apartment.

In my excitement to see her I must have pushed the doorbell a little too hard because it rang twice.

“Baby, did you forget your key again?” a man with a thick Southern accent chortled. The door opened wide and there he stood; young, wet, chiseled, half naked wearing just a towel and a big smile. 

“Oh sorry. I thought you were my girl,” he smiled again. “Can I help you?”

Embarrassed I replied, “I’m so sorry to have bothered you. I must have the wrong apartment.” I turned to pick up my bag.

“Who are you looking for, ma’am? Maybe I can direct you?”

“I’m looking for Ashlee Hawthorne. Maybe you know her?” I asked.

He laughed, “I sure hope so! She’s my girlfriend!”

I stood there for a moment like a deer in headlights. Ashlee NEVER told me she had a boyfriend.

SURPRISE!

I just blurted it out. “I’m her mother.”

“Oh shit! Oh sorry! Pardon my language. Please…please come on in, ma’am. She went to the store. She’ll be back in a bit.” Now HE looked embarrassed. He grabbed the handle of my bag and quickly brought it inside. “Let me go put some clothes on.” Rushing out of the room, he disappeared for a couple of minutes.

I stood in the entry hall until he returned. He invited me into the kitchen for a glass of iced tea. Before I had a chance to ask his name or anything about himself, keys were jingling in the front door handle.

“I hope you’re still naked! I’m counting on it!” Ashlee shouted then giggled as she shut the door.

You can’t see her kitchen from the front door so you can imagine her absolute astonishment at seeing me standing in the kitchen with her boyfriend.

She dropped the contents of the grocery bags. “MOM?!”

“Hi, honey!” I replied with a big grin on my face. “I’m so glad to see your new apartment comes with everything a girl could want!”