christmas 2023

 “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.” - Oscar Wilde

The house was alive Christmas morning with the sounds of young adults’ boisterous laughter. With Ashlee home from college and Chad’s four boys deciding my place was the place to be on Christmas day, the house was full.

Chad and I were in the kitchen prepping the feast when Ashlee decided to ask if there was anything she could do to help. When I handed her the metallic gold placemats to set on the table, she suddenly looked up at me and exclaimed, “Oh my god, Mom!” Followed by the question, “What is that?”

“What is what?” I asked.

She pointed to my ring finger. “That! That HUGE ring! Is that new?”

Well…I’d forgotten to mention it to her as I’d only received it the night before while she was out visiting friends.

“It’s a placeholder,” Chad smirked and walked out to the living room to see what his boys were up to.

Ashlee looked stunned. “A placeholder?! What does that mean?”

 **********

On Christmas Eve, Chad and I found ourselves suspiciously alone.  He invited me over to his new house for dinner and a movie. I mean, you can’t really celebrate Christmas properly without seeing The Christmas Story at least once, right?

After dinner, Chad served me dessert along with a small blue box tied with a white ribbon. He smiled and stated, “Red, I’d like to give you this now while were alone.”

I was surprised and looked up at him.

“Go on and open it!” He crouched down next to my chair at the table.

I slowly untied the ribbon and opened the box. My jaw literally dropped. “Chad, I…” I honestly was at a loss for words.

“Does it fit?” he asked as he pulled this stunning ring out of the box and slid it on my finger.

It fit perfectly.

“I’m…” I started to say as he interrupted me.

“I know, honey. I’d like you to wear this and think of it as a placeholder. You know, so you know when you’re traveling that you have a place – actually two of them – to call home. And I’m patiently waiting here for you when you come back.”

“But…”

Again, he interrupted me.  “I know you’re not over Nick yet. I get that. But I want you to know that when you ARE ready to move on, I’m right here. That’s not gonna change, Red. I’m not going anywhere. This ring is a reminder of that. That’s all it is for now.” He smiled, rubbed my back with his hand, stood up and offered me his hand. “Now, let’s go watch that movie!”

**********

“Chad,” I smiled at him from the kitchen. “Can you come to the kitchen and explain to Ashlee what this ring means? You’d do a much better job at it than I would.”

As Chad got up from the leather chair, his boys were completely silent. Finally, Carson piped up and asked, “You got her a ring and you didn’t tell us?!” The boys seemed very happy with that news. His sons have always liked me.

“Maybe,” I smiled, “you should explain it to all of them.”

We all sat in the living room together while Chad explained what this “placeholder” meant.

walking in a winter wonderland...sort of

 Saturday night…

“Are ya cold?” Chad asked while rubbing his leather gloves over my coat sleeves.

“A little bit,” I smiled.

He reached into his coat and pulled out a small Yeti thermos. “This will take the edge off. I made hot chocolate. Just in case,” he smirked and removed the lid.

I took one small drink, roughly swallowed, and replied laughing with a hoarse voice, “Jesus! Do you like a little bit of cocoa with your peppermint schnapps?!” Then I coughed a few times.

“Better?” He chuckled and took a big swig.

As we walked through the beautifully lit, dressed-up-for-Christmas, no snow to speak of local botanical gardens, he reached over and took my gloved hand in his claiming it was “cold”. We joked about how awful it must be to be the one maintenance guy whose job it is to find that one bulb that went bad out of millions. Most of our time was spent giggling about one thing or another.

When we got under a colorful light-filled canopy he leaned down, put both his palms on my cheeks and kissed me passionately on the lips. Let me tell you…when Chad kisses you, it’s a full on, no-holds-barred kiss that leaves you feeling punch-drunk and weak in the knees.

I hadn’t anticipated that kiss of his to affect me like it did. As he pulled back with a big smile, I was speechless and disoriented. I suddenly threw my arms around his neck and began to kiss him back. Slowly realizing what I was doing, I immediately stopped.

Maybe it was the schnapps, I thought.

Awkwardly, we continued with our walk.

“Red, do you want to talk about what just happened back there?” he chuckled as he asked.

“Nope. No, I really don’t.” I think embarrassment had gotten the better of me.

"you're having a what?"

Thanksgiving was loud and raucous and so much fun. It was great to have the house full of noise and laughter again.

While helping me wash the dishes after dinner, Chad asked me an important and serious question. I was a bit taken aback and wasn’t sure how to respond so I asked if we could talk about it privately this week.

After Ashlee returned to college on Sunday, I had a few days to myself to formulate my answer. When I decided the appropriate thing to say, I called and invited Chad over.

We sat down in my living room and the conversation went as follows:

“I know you’ve patiently waited for my answer and I want to thank you for giving me some time to think about it. Honey, I’m not ready to say ‘yes’ quite yet but this isn’t a ‘no’ either,” I stated.

He looked at me strangely.

“I believe I’m having an existential crisis,” I said to him.

“You’re having a what? What makes you think that?” he asked seriously.

I wasn’t sure how to explain it to him, but I tried.

“For most of my life I’ve had to be…other people. Nick brought me back closer to who I was before everything happened to me but now, with his absence, I feel…how do I put this…lost and in limbo. I have so many emotions and feelings I’m trying my best to deal with. I honestly feel I need to get away from here for a while.” I hoped he’d understand.

“But honey…” he started to say and I interrupted him.

“I’ve booked a trip to India. I’ll be away for a while but I promise you I’ll be back and hopefully have a better grasp of things.”

He asked, “For how long?”

“Forty days,” I replied.

“Forty days?!” He was shocked. “Who are you going with?”

“No one. Just me. I leave January third.”

“Okay hold on here. You’re going to a foreign country you’ve never been to all alone for forty days?!” he asked.

“Yes,” I smiled.

“Alone?!” he asked again.

Historically, I’ve never traveled alone. I think this was pretty surprising news for him. He stood up and paced a little then sat back down.

“India? All right,” he nodded.

appreciation

Ashlee comes home on Tuesday and Chad volunteered to pick her up at the airport. He insisted.

I’ve been busy unpacking his things and putting his new house in order while he’s been extremely busy at work, for a change. Sometimes his minions can only do so much and then he, as the owner, has to get involved. His company suddenly being overwhelmed with business is a very good thing after the lean times from the Covid-19 pandemic.

His son Cole, who is in medical school, will be joining us for Thanksgiving as well. That was a bonus no one expected.

Chad stopped by late last night for dinner…

“God damn! What smells so good, Red?” he shouted as he walked through my door.

“Here. Try this,” I said as I held a spoon up to his lips.

He tasted the sauce from what I’d made. “That is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever had! Is there more of this?” He hunted around the stove top.

“It’s called what’s for dinner,” I snickered. “It’s Beef Burgundy. There’s homemade bread, too," I smiled.

“Wait…you actually MADE all this today?! When did you have time?” He seemed puzzled.

“I used Ronnie’s recipe and added a few of my own ingredients.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “And this is dinner on a random Thursday night at your house. Why am I not moving in here again?” he snickered.

What he said made me laugh. “Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes. Would you open the wine?”

Okay so yes…I took the time to make dinner after cleaning out some of his boxes today. I’ve learned to really enjoy cooking. Appreciation for what I take time to make makes me like it even more.

i could have been wrong

Chad has kept me very busy daily with all this moving of his.

After not being around him for three years, I’d forgotten just how comfortable our relationship has always been.

We have been through a lot together: dating, breaking up, spouses, ex-spouses, and one dead spouse. We’ve both watched each other’s kids grow up. We have, in fact, known each other for most of our lives. Even when we have a fallout and part ways, we always somehow tend to find each other again.

After spending a great deal of time together lately, Chad decided to say out loud what he’d been hinting at over the past several days.

“You’re my best friend, Red. You always have been – even when we were dating. You have no idea how much I missed this: just being around you. I’d like you to give some sincere thought to maybe moving forward from all this ‘just being friends’ to somethin’ more (he paused) permanent.” He said it with all sincerity.

I looked up at him. Before I could respond…

"When you’re ready, of course. No pressure,” he sheepishly smiled.

I simply smiled but was torn on how to respond. So...I didn't say anything.

Admittedly, Ashlee, you may have been right about him and moving on with life.

six

It’s been a busy week of self-care and helping Chad move. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it wasn’t.

The sixty-five boxes of his prized comic book collection are currently residing in my living room while the painter finishes his interior. The new furniture he asked me to help pick out for him should arrive the week after Christmas. I purchased a gift for his new house which I won’t divulge here yet.

When Chad closed on the new house he was given two keys. He gave me one for, quote, “safe keeping”. Uh huh. He had no idea what he’d just done. <smirk>

“Red,” he began with a grin, “my boys want to spend Thanksgiving with me. The new house will still be in flux and I have to be out of the old place by November 30. I wondered, if it’s not too much trouble, would you be willing to host it at your place this year?”

I smiled. “Sure!” I was happy he’d asked.

Later that day Ashlee called and asked if she could come home for Thanksgiving.

“Of course, honey!” I replied. “Just a heads up that Chad and his boys will be here too. I thought you were going to (the boyfriend’s) parents?”

“Nope! I decided we’re through,” she replied very matter of fact.

Well…okay then. I can’t say I’m disappointed because I’m not.

So that’s six for Thanksgiving dinner.

trick or treat

“Aren’t you a little long in the tooth for Trick or Treat, Junior?” I snickered as I realized I’d just opened the door to Chad dressed as Indiana Jones for Halloween.

“Don’t call me Junior!” he smirked as he stepped inside.  

His Indy costume is as old as the original movie and yet he still looks fantastic in it. I think it’s the hat.

“Don’t you have some girl out there waiting for you to charm her while you’re wearing that?” I laughed.

He just grinned. “I’m trying like hell, Red, but I don’t think she’s paying attention!”

Just then the doorbell rang.

“Here,” I handed him the treat bowl. “Give the neighborhood kids a thrill!” I smiled and walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

I probably should have told him the doorbell would ring non-stop for the next two hours. But why ruin my idea of fun.

"can I?"

“Did you offer to break his arms and legs?” Chad snickered.

I laughed my reply out loud. “No!”

“Can I?” he asked with a big grin.

Here’s the thing about Chad…if you hurt Ashlee or me, he truly might do just that.

I felt bad about the advice I gave her about the boyfriend going off to grad school because I worried it came across as cold-hearted. It wasn’t meant to be unfeeling, so I asked Chad his take on it.

“You were right, Red. You said the same thing I’d say to my boys in a similar situation. Ash knows you meant it with all the love in your heart,” he smiled at me.

“God, I hope so!” I shook my head. “I’d really hate to have to snap him like a twig if he doesn’t treat her respectfully about this.”

Here’s the thing about me…if you hurt my daughter, broken limbs will be the least of your worries.

a heartbroken kid

There’s nothing worse than heartbreak. Especially when it’s your only child.

All I heard was a very faint, “Mom,” on the other end of the phone followed by copious amounts of sobbing.

Concerned, I asked her what was wrong. When she didn’t respond right away, I waited patiently for her to tell me.

Apparently, the live-in boyfriend just informed her that he would be graduating early in December and was going to leave after graduation to attend grad school overseas. He wants her to quit school and go with him.

She’s obviously upset but she only has two semesters left to get her degree. Ashlee is devastated and wasn’t sure what she should do. I tried my very best not to give her any advice unless she asked for it.

“What should I do, Mom? I don’t know what to do!” she cried.

And there it was. She asked.

“Ash, I think you should let him go to grad school while you finish your degree. When you graduate, if you still want to be with him then, and only then, should you consider moving overseas to be with him. Have the two of you talked about having a future together?” I asked.

“No,” she sniffled.

“Then there’s your answer,” I replied. It felt cruel to say it, but it was what I knew Nick would tell her too.

As expected, my response caused her to cry even harder.

Some days it sucks to be Mom.

house envy

 Okay. I’m going to admit this with my outside voice. I have some SERIOUS house envy happening.

My jaw dropped to the floor when Chad and I walked into the house he’s purchasing.

From the outside the house is very, very cool but looks small. That is, until you get to the inside and realize it’s three open levels with massive skylights. His dad designed this house in the mid-1970’s but it is worthy of Architectural Digest today. I cannot believe how modern this house looks. Everything, except the interior paint color, is original.

“Holy shit, Chad! This is INCREDIBLE!” I was still in disbelief.

He smiled down at me. “Told ya my dad was good!” 

The owner that recently passed away was half of the couple his dad designed the house for. Her husband passed away in the late 1990’s. These were the original owners and it had never been sold or changed since being built.

When he called the daughter of the deceased to tell her he would buy it, she went on and on about how out of date it was and would need a ton of updating. Because of this and the fact she wouldn’t need a realtor, she offered it to him for one-third of what we thought she’d ask. Chad was in such disbelief he asked her twice to repeat the price.

“I’ll give your lawyer a check for the full amount today, if that’s acceptable,” he stated.

After he hung up the phone, I just looked at him.

“I don’t think this house needs updating at all!” I spoke up.

He smirked at me. “Neither do I. All it needs is a fresh coat of interior paint. It must not be her style because my dad always thought ahead and designed for the future. Look at these cabinets and floors, Red.”

I was definitely looking at everything. Outside there are huge, mature trees. There is a large plant atrium in the middle of the house. The master bedroom has an enormous flat skylight. It’s like living in a luxury tree house! I am sincerely envious of his new house.

He’d just bought a to-die-for three-bedroom, four-bathroom house for an unbelievable price!

“Oh my god! I might just have to move in here,” I joked.

Chad snickered and replied, “I know I’d like that!”

the hunt

 On Saturday and Sunday Chad and I spent the days house hunting for him. I thought we were going to look in the same town he was living in but he stated he wanted to move to the town I live in as he’d be closer to three of his sons.

The realtor already had a buyer for his house so it was urgent we find another place for him to live.

Disappointingly, none of the houses the realtor showed Chad here were the right fit for him. Fortunately for him I had an ace up my sleeve.

A little background on Chad: his dad used to be a rather famous architect in this state. When Chad and I were dating, he drove me around three different towns to show me the outsides of the houses his dad designed. I know his architectural tastes like the back of my hand. When his parents divorced when he was thirteen, his dad moved to Oklahoma which is why Chad grew up in two states.

“This is going to be a lot harder than I thought, Red,” he sighed.

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

He replied, “Yeah, of course I do.”

I made a call to a friend of mine and asked if we could meet at a specific location.

“I’m driving!” I smiled and took the car keys out of his hand.

When we pulled up in front of the place I had in mind, Chad was shocked.

“My dad designed this place!” he smiled as we pulled into the driveway.

I knew that. He’d always driven me by this house whenever he was in town. A long time ago he told me he’d actually been there with his dad when it was being built. He said it was his “favorite place”.

I introduced Chad to my lawyer friend who told Chad the owner had recently passed away and that the beneficiary was intent on selling it. The lawyer started to ask him if he would like to buy it. Before the lawyer even finished his sentence, Chad shouted “YES!”.

Chad gave me a great big hug. “How did you know this place was going to be for sale?”

“Mom was a friend of the lady who owned it. She knew she died and her daughter lives on the East Coast and wouldn’t be moving back,” I smiled. “Her lawyer is also Mom’s lawyer. It’s a small town. Word gets around.”

“I love you, Red!” he smiled and hugged me tightly again. “You really do have a knack for helping everybody find whatever they want or need. You’re…so special, honey! You truly are!”

“Didn’t you want to know what the price is before you said ‘yes’?” I chuckled as we stepped inside.

“Don’t care!” he laughed. “It’s mine now!”

"cruel to be kind"

Ashlee…you’d never asked me to tell you exactly what happened the day your daddy died until yesterday. It’s not something I ever really wanted to go into detail about with you. It’s not something a parent should ever have to explain to their child.

But here we are.

You have questions. That’s completely understandable. I want to be honest and tell you. What I need you to understand is how extremely difficult it is for me to have to recall that day.

I couldn’t get through it telling you over the phone, so you asked me to write it down on this blog.

If you really MUST know…read on. If not… please stop reading now.

 

He planned it.

On September 21^st, 2020, Nick called Chad and invited him to come to dinner on September 23^rd. Chad said he was “insistent”. So much so, Chad cancelled a date.

About forty minutes before Chad was supposed to arrive, Nick asked me to go to the butcher shop to pick up the steaks he’d ordered for dinner. He insisted I take his car instead of our old Subaru Forrester (which was the car I normally drove). The Subaru was in the garage and his vintage Mach 1 was parked directly behind it in the driveway. It made sense to me to take his car at the time.

Before I left for the shop, he hugged me tightly and kissed me telling me how very much he loved me. That was not out of the norm. It’s what we always did when one of us left the house. I smiled, told him I loved him too, and said I’d be back in twenty minutes.

After I left the house and was about five blocks away, I suddenly remembered I’d left my wallet on the kitchen counter. I turned around and headed back home to retrieve it.

Instead of pulling into the driveway, I left the car running in the street in front of the house. As I started to get out of the car, I heard what sounded like a loud muffled gunshot and glass shattering. I quickly pushed the garage door opener on the car visor to open the door.

Once inside the garage and when I realized what happened I was feral. It felt as if my brain and heart were exploding simultaneously. “HELP ME!” were the only words I could scream out. The whole neighborhood heard me.

The young doctor who used to live across the street ran full speed and barefoot up the driveway and into the garage. He told me to stay back. I just couldn’t do that. I pulled the Subaru door open and grabbed onto Nick. I desperately wanted to believe he was still alive. The doctor called 911 from his cell phone and tried his best to console me when we both realized Nick was indeed dead.

The police and ambulance arrived within minutes.

Chad arrived early, saw our street blocked off with all the emergency vehicles, heard me screaming, got out of his car in the middle of the road and ran across our neighbor’s lawn shouting my name at the top of his lungs.

He found me covered in blood kneeling on the garage floor sobbing and shrieking. Chad grabbed the closest paramedic and demanded they give me a sedative to calm me down. When the man wasn’t moving fast enough, Chad grabbed the hypodermic needle out of the stunned paramedics hand and administered it to me himself. He pulled me up off the ground into his arms and carried me inside the house. 

After the injection, I didn’t come to until the very early morning of the next day.

When I woke up to a pounding headache on the living room couch, I thought I’d had a nightmare. I hoped it had all just been a nightmare. By the look on Chad’s tear-stained face, I knew it wasn’t.

Chad didn’t know what Nick had planned. He thought he was just coming for dinner that night.

Ashlee…I didn’t see it coming and there weren’t any clues or warning signs. I had no idea your daddy had fourth stage Cancer with “no hope in sight”. He never told me. In his letter he said by the time he found out he had Cancer his body was “riddled with it”. He didn’t want me to watch him die after everything we’d been through. He said suicide was his way of being “cruel to be kind”.

Ultimately, all you really need to know is that he loved us so much more than either of us realized.

how?

How do you move forward after loving the most extraordinary human being you’ve ever met?

changes

I meant it when I told Chad I wasn’t over Nick. What I didn’t tell him is that I may never ever be able to get over him. Irregardless of the fact he chose to end his own life, Nick ruined all other men for me just by being himself.

Being in this house hasn’t helped. I keep expecting him to be leaning on the kitchen counter while drinking his coffee when I come down in the morning or to walk around the corner of the hallway upstairs to surprise me or to be napping peacefully on the couch in the family room. Occasionally, I still catch a whiff of his sandalwood soap as I walk past his bathroom. Everything here has memories of him and our life together.

The house is paid for. It’s in an excellent neighborhood close to a large park, small lake, and five miles of walking trails. It’s also one of the most peaceful places I’ve ever lived. You can hear a pin drop at 10:30 p.m. at night. What I’m saying is I don’t see any reason to sell it. So…I’ve decided to make some changes to this house and decided to do it in a very big way all at once.

Last week I had a contractor we had planned to hire to do some work for us come by the house. He was a little surprised when I handed him a three-page list of major changes I want to make to this place during our discussion. He was impressed by how detailed my list was. Apparently, I’ve “thought of everything”. He will provide all the labor and rebuilds and I will do the interior design. We will work together to make this into the home I want it to be now.

As for Chad, he may have a few more years to wait for me. I’m not ready to have any man in my life just yet. I want to continue to be on my own for the time being.

"waiting in the wings"

For years Chad has always been Wiley E Coyote to my Road Runner. I’m usually at least three steps ahead of him.

Usually.

It was the term “waiting in the wings” Ashlee used. I knew where that came from and who it came from.

So…I called Chad.

He asked, “Did Ash call you about this weekend?”

“Why yes she did!” I replied while laughing.

“Damn! That kid of yours pumped me for all kinds of information! ‘What did you do? What did you eat? What did you watch? Did you sleep over?’ Jesus, Red, I felt thoroughly grilled!” Chad laughed hard. “Maybe she should consider a career at the FBI!”

I chuckled, “I think she was trying to see if our stories matched.”

We laughed for a few minutes about our conversations with her.

And then I just had to open my mouth and ask…

“Did you tell her you’d been waiting in the wings for me for over thirty years?”

“Yeah. I said that. How long have we known each other, Red?” he asked.

“Thirty-four years?” I questioned if my math was correct.

“And do you recall me telling you several years ago many times I was having to move at the speed of lightning to be with you before the next man came along?” he asked.

I replied with a laugh, “Yes I remember but I know you were just teasing me!”

Momentary silence.

“Nope! No, I wasn’t. If you haven’t noticed I’ve just been bidding my time until you were single again. Honey, I know you’re not over Nick yet. You made that clear to me and I’m going to respect that. I want you to know that no matter what I will still be here…waiting on you…for however long it takes. I mean that,” he stated quite clearly.

I was honestly speechless.

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” he asked. I could hear his smarmy smile over the phone. 

I couldn’t even come up with a good comeback to that.

He snickered. “I can’t believe you’ve got nothin’ to say in response! I swear, Red, you are the most exasperating woman it’s ever been my privilege to never fall out of love with.”

Well. Now I know how it feels to be Wiley E Coyote… 

my not-so-little matchmaker

Last night Ashlee called me to ask about my weekend.

She asked, “Did you and Mr. Chad have fun on Saturday?”

I told her he and I always have fun. Well…except that one day three years ago. The day Nick died.

“Did he spend the night?” she boldly inquired.

I was taken aback by her line of questioning. “Ashlee!”

“Mom…did he?”

“He'd had too much to drink so he slept on the couch if you must know. I wasn’t about to let him drive home in the condition he was in,” I replied.

“I know you dated each other way back when. I know you broke up with him. Carson (his son) told me. What I don’t know is why. Why did you do that, Mom?”

I felt as though she was rehashing my life decisions and giving me the third degree.

“Honey, I was in love with him but he wanted to get married and have children. I wasn’t ready to get married at that point in my life and I couldn’t have children. I loved him enough to let him go find what he wanted,” I responded.

Ashlee was quiet for a minute.

“Why are you asking me about this, honey? This is old history,” I stated.

She then said this, “Here’s what I think…” She sighed. “I know no one can ever replace my daddy. No one ever. But I think Mr. Chad would be the next best choice for both of us and I think you should think about that seriously.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. I’m so glad she “thinks” so much. That expensive college is sure paying off!

“Are you trying to fix me up with Chad?”  I snickered my response.

“DUH!” she shouted into the phone. “That’s why I called him to help you! He’s the only other person I know that makes you happy. Be a grown up, Mom, and open your eyes!”

Wow! Nick was right. She does get more like me every day.

I started to say something and she interrupted me…

“He’s been waiting in the wings for you to give him another chance for over thirty years! Mr. Chad is alone and you’re alone and I don’t want you to be alone anymore. I’ve always liked him. I think it’s time for you to move forward. What are you waiting for?”

What indeed.

new rule #1: never turn down the offer of pricey whiskey from a good man

I asked him to show up late Saturday afternoon.

He showed up at nine a.m.

When Chad arrived, it was with two bottles of very expensive whiskey and a great big smile.

“Are you planning on us getting drunk?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Oh lord I hope so!” he laughed.

“Then come on in!” I smiled.

Later in the day…

I had to ask. “Chad, why are you available on a Saturday night? Saturday nights were always your big date nights. You know…along with Monday through Friday nights too,” I remarked with a giggle.

He shook his head while laughing. “Red,” he replied and cleared his throat, “I got three boys in college and one in medical school. Dating is currently out of my price range. Christ, my boys’ educations are costing me a fortune!”

“So…being available tonight has nothing to do with spending time with me?” I smirked while I poured another drink for him.

He simply grinned.

I knew what the answer was. I wanted to see if he would be brave enough to tell me.

A little over half of a bottle of pricey whiskey later…

“I’m thinkin’ about selling my house,” he stated very matter of fact.

“Where would you live?” I asked.

“I don’t know, honey. Haven’t given it much thought. Now that the boys are grown, I don’t need a five-bedroom house anymore. A one or two bedroom would suit me just fine,” he said.

He continued with, “Are you gonna keep this big place? I mean, it’s an awful lot of house and yard for just one person.”

I’d never thought about selling this place. It’s paid for so I didn’t see the need.

“Are you asking if you can move in with me to save money, Chad?” I snickered.

“God no, Red! I would never ask somethin’ like that of you!” He seemed to be mildly offended I’d asked.

But then this came right out of his mouth, “Unless, of course, you’re asking me to move in with you. Now that would be a different story.” He was trying not to smile when he said it. “Next thing you know I’d move in and you’d make me into your boy-toy in exchange for rent or some such shit.”

We both looked at each other and then simultaneously burst out laughing.

“More whiskey?” he smirked while holding the bottle above my glass.

My god that whiskey was much too tasty and way too potent!

"i guess i could do that."

When I got home from seeing Ashlee, I felt better than I’ve felt in a very long time. I finally felt at peace. I looked around this big empty house and thought I’d like to have some company.

Yesterday, I picked up the phone and called Chad.

“What are you doing Saturday night?” I asked him.

“Let me check my busy social schedule.” I heard him flipping through pages of what I suspected was a magazine. “Hmmm…looks like I’m open. Sounds like you have something in mind for me, Red. Would you like to tell me what I’m gonna be doing?” he snickered a little too loudly.

What he said made me laugh. “I’d like to ask if you’d like to come here and hang out with me. Maybe have dinner together and watch a movie later?”

I could hear his big grin over the phone. “I guess I could do that,” he replied.

"you're old enough to make your own choices."

After her classes on Monday, Ashlee and I took a walk around her campus.

It truly is beautiful! I understood why she chose this college over all the ones she was accepted to.

We sat down on a bench under a large old tree to have a private heart-to-heart conversation. It was time to talk about the live-in boyfriend I knew nothing about.

She was embarrassed I’d found out like I did. I asked her if the relationship was serious. She shrugged her shoulders as if that were her answer.

I smiled reassuringly. “I have no right or reason to judge you, Ashlee. You’re twenty-one and a young woman now. You’re old enough to make your own choices.”

“I should have told you, mom. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry about me with everything else that’s happened,” she responded with her head down.

“Honey…I just ask you to be careful, okay? As long as the right-wing American Taliban is in Congress you won’t have ANY choices about your own body in this country as a woman. I want you to be able to have and do and be anything you want. All I want is for you to be very careful since you’re sharing a bed with him. Birth control pills AND condoms every single time until you’re ready and want to have a child. And please…please finish college. You worked so hard to get here. I don’t want you to throw this opportunity away. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.” I ran my hand along the side of her head and down her long auburn locks.

I put my finger under her chin to lift her head.

“At least it was me at the door. Imagine if he had answered the door looking like that with your daddy standing on the other side?” I snickered. “Holy shit! That boy would be SO dead!”

We both laughed loudly. It felt so good to finally be able to laugh with my daughter again.

 Tuesday, I woke up very early, packed my bag, and was ready to head home.

“Drive carefully and please call me when you get home,” Ashlee said sleepily as she hugged me.

“Ok kid! I’ll try to keep it under one hundred,” I chuckled. “I love you so much! Thank you for being the best daughter a mom could ever ask for,” I replied and kissed her cheek.

Nine hours into the return trip my cell phone rang. I pulled over to answer it.

“Mom,” Ashlee paused momentarily. “Thank you for coming to visit and letting me know you’re doing better. It means an awful lot to me that you drove all this way to see me. Would it be okay if I come home for Christmas break?” she asked.

“I would love that! Honey, you never need to ask to come home. However, if you’re bringing that sexy boyfriend of yours he WILL be sleeping in the guest room all alone. My house – my rules!” I snickered.

“Oh mom!” she laughed. 

when a surprise is a little more surprising than you expect…

 With the house and garage now cleaned up and Nick’s things removed I felt soundly kicked out of my old comfort zone. And now I had a vehicle. I find a road trip is always the best way to clear my mind.

At dark-o-thirty Sunday morning I packed a bag and decided to take the cross-country drive to surprise my daughter at college. And by “surprise” I mean I didn’t inform her I was coming.

Well…the surprise was on me.

After driving around the campus for half an hour, I finally found her new apartment.

In my excitement to see her I must have pushed the doorbell a little too hard because it rang twice.

“Baby, did you forget your key again?” a man with a thick Southern accent chortled. The door opened wide and there he stood; young, wet, chiseled, half naked wearing just a towel and a big smile. 

“Oh sorry. I thought you were my girl,” he smiled again. “Can I help you?”

Embarrassed I replied, “I’m so sorry to have bothered you. I must have the wrong apartment.” I turned to pick up my bag.

“Who are you looking for, ma’am? Maybe I can direct you?”

“I’m looking for Ashlee Hawthorne. Maybe you know her?” I asked.

He laughed, “I sure hope so! She’s my girlfriend!”

I stood there for a moment like a deer in headlights. Ashlee NEVER told me she had a boyfriend.

SURPRISE!

I just blurted it out. “I’m her mother.”

“Oh shit! Oh sorry! Pardon my language. Please…please come on in, ma’am. She went to the store. She’ll be back in a bit.” Now HE looked embarrassed. He grabbed the handle of my bag and quickly brought it inside. “Let me go put some clothes on.” Rushing out of the room, he disappeared for a couple of minutes.

I stood in the entry hall until he returned. He invited me into the kitchen for a glass of iced tea. Before I had a chance to ask his name or anything about himself, keys were jingling in the front door handle.

“I hope you’re still naked! I’m counting on it!” Ashlee shouted then giggled as she shut the door.

You can’t see her kitchen from the front door so you can imagine her absolute astonishment at seeing me standing in the kitchen with her boyfriend.

She dropped the contents of the grocery bags. “MOM?!”

“Hi, honey!” I replied with a big grin on my face. “I’m so glad to see your new apartment comes with everything a girl could want!”

"fresh start purposes"

 As promised Chad showed up early yesterday morning with two cleaning crews: one to clean Nick’s things out and temporarily move them to storage and the other to clean up everything else. I stayed out of the way inside the house. I stayed away because emotionally I needed to.

What I didn’t expect was a painter to show up. Chad hired him to repaint the entire inside of the garage. He claims for “fresh start purposes”. That was a very thoughtful and unexpected gift for him to give me. He refused to let me pay him for anything.

Around 2 p.m. I heard the rumble of the Mach 1 pull into the driveway and then into the garage followed by the sound of the SUV that we’d used for road trips and our former business. As I suspected, both cars had been put into storage until such time that I needed them. 

Spider Q knocked on the front door and handed the keys to both vehicles to me. I thanked him for bringing them to the house personally. He told me to let him know if I needed anything.

After the vehicles were returned Chad asked if I’d be willing to go into the garage to make certain everything was done to my liking. I told him I’d take his word for it, but he insisted.

He led me to the back hallway, opened the interior garage door, stepped down into the garage and held his hand out to me.

“Come on, Red. Take my hand.”

Nervously I took his hand and stepped down into the garage. Everything looked clean and bright. There were no remnants remaining that something horrific had happened in there.

I looked around and remarked, “I only see one problem.”

“What’s that?” Chad asked.

I smiled and replied, “I only need one car.” And with that I handed him the keys to the vintage Mach 1.

He was speechless and confused for a moment. 

“Red! I can’t take this! It’s too much!” he replied and tried to give me the keys back.

Pulling the letter Nick left me out of my back jeans pocket, I opened it and allowed him to read it for the first time. 

The fifth paragraph of the note read, “I know Chad has always envied my life and everything I have in it. You know, my good looks and charm, the car, and most of all you. You give him the Mach, baby. After all, I roped him into being here so he could help you through all this because I knew he would. Please tell him I am sorry I had to do that."

 

As a personal note: I’d never read the letter Nick left me until Thursday night. My emotions for the past three years had been too raw after his death. I finally decided I wanted and needed to know the why.

it's like drowning

It’s like drowning in a dark gray and angry sea with no land in sight. Agonizingly you never actually go under, succumb, and drown. You endlessly struggle.

It’s like having half of yourself ripped away and you can’t stop the hemorrhaging.

It’s like having a rabid ax constantly striking you and taking you apart piece by piece.

I’ve survived being tortured. In many ways this is worse.

When someone you love commits suicide the pain, the grief, the frustration, and the anger eventually give way to cavernous darkness that claws into your very soul.

Suicide might be an easy and most attractive choice for you, but anguish and sorrow never end for the ones who love you that you leave behind. 

"how does one misplace three cars?!"

 Late Sunday afternoon…

I could tell Chad’s gears in his brain were spinning like he was trying hard to figure something out after he came in from the garage. He finally spoke up.

“Now…here’s an odd question for you. Ok well maybe not SO odd because it’s you but…” he paused. “Why do you have a three-car garage with no cars in it? Don’t you have a car, Red?” he asked.

I didn’t quite know how to answer that question. 

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

He looked at me sideways for a minute. "What do you mean you’re not sure? How does one misplace three cars?!” he asked incredulously.

Technically, I didn’t misplace them. I only knew where one was for sure, and it was crushed three years ago courtesy of the police when I told them I didn’t want it back. (The old Subaru was the car Nick chose to take his own life in.)

There were so many people at the house coming and going for a couple days after Nick’s death that someone may have moved them or borrowed them. I honestly don’t remember.

Chad just looked at me in disbelief. “The Mach 1?! That beautiful bright red and black ‘71 fastback sexy vintage mint condition with original black leather seats to-die-for Mach 1 Mustang?! A car like that don’t just wander off without being heard or seen, Red! You don’t know where it is?! What the…?!”

I knew he loved Nick’s car. He was so envious of it when he saw it for the first time, I think he actually drooled. We’ll just call it “Mustang Envy” for lack of a better term.

“Are you shittin' me?!” he asked.

“No. Maybe somebody moved it out to our storage facility? I don’t know, Chad. I’m sure it will turn up at some point,” was all I could say. Truthfully, I’d not thought about it. “I’ll give Q a call later in the week and ask if he knows where it went, ok?”

Chad pulled out his cell phone. “What’s his number? Let’s call him right now.”

I just looked at Chad, chuckled, and shook my head.

it's a new day

 I woke up early Sunday morning with a brand-new outlook. Ashlee and Chad were right about everything they’d said. I needed to snap out of all this mourning. It’s been three years and life has continued despite Nick being gone.

The blue and green buttoned up plaid shirt he’d been wearing and took off the day he died was still draped over the back of one of our kitchen chairs. His boots were still in the front hallway where he’d left them. His hairbrush and toiletries were still on the bathroom counter and his clothes were still in the dresser and bedroom closet.  The book-marked book he’d been reading was still on top of the nightstand on his side of the bed.

Chad was right. This house had become a mausoleum.  It’s time to bring life back inside.

I began by opening every single curtain in the house which had remained closed since his death. “Let there be light,” I thought. Doing that also helped me see I had a lot of cleaning to do.

Hesitation almost got the better of me when it got to the point I needed to ask for some help.

Chad was genuinely surprised I called him.

“You told me if I needed anything to give you a call. I’m cleaning Nick’s things out of the house. If your offer is still open, I think I could use some help,” I said quietly.

“Anything you need, Red! I told you that. I’m on my way. Thank you for asking me, honey.”

Where Nick and I bought a house in 2019 is about an hour from the city we used to live in when we first got married and where Chad still lives. It says an awful lot about someone who is willing to drop everything at a moment’s notice to help you. I feel so lucky he’s still such a good friend after all this.

Music had also been missing in my life for a long time. I turned on the CD player, cranked the volume up loudly blaring music which I’m certain my neighbors appreciated so very early on a Sunday morning.  I opened a dusty box of garbage bags and began filling them one by one. Everything had to go. Everything except for his biker gear, his books, his guitar, and the letter he’d left for me. I’m keeping those things only for sentimental reasons but packing them away out of sight in the attic. “Out of sight – out of mind.” (I wish!)

Metallica’s song Sad But True was on full volume coming out of my surround sound speakers. The walls and the large glass sliding doors in the room were reverberating. You just can’t not move to that song. At least, I can’t. I was dancing and singing along in the two-story family room.

I’d lost track of time. I did not hear the doorbell ring, but I had left the door unlocked for him. I hadn’t heard him come in. My eyes were closed as I was dancing on the large wooden coffee table. When the song ended, I jumped off the table to change the CD.  

And that’s when I heard Chad snickering.

He was rather amused. “I rang the doorbell twice. There. She. Is! You still got it, Red!” he laughed from the kitchen. “You know, honey, dancin’ is not one of my skills. Is that what you invited me over for? A little go-go action?”

Embarrassed he’d seen me like that, I started laughing.

“What can I help you with?” he grinned.

I lead him to the back hallway door. Reluctantly, I opened the door, flipped on the light, and looked up at him.

He stepped back for a moment, looked down at me and asked, “Why is the door to the garage boarded up?”

Because after Nick committed suicide out there, I never, ever wanted to go back into that space. That’s why.

I quietly replied, “The last time I came in through this door is when you carried me in. I can’t go out there, Chad. I just can’t. That’s why I asked for your help.”

He pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me. “All right, honey. Do you want me to clean the garage out?”

I just shook my head yes against his chest.

“Do you still have that storage unit in town?” he asked.

I shook my head yes again.

“Why don’t you go find a drill and I’ll take a look.” As I started to walk away to find the drill, “Hey…” he took my hand in his and paused, “please don’t fall back into that dark place when I open this up, ok?” He let go of my hand, smiled reassuringly, and rubbed my back with his hand.

After removing the sheet of plywood I’d screwed over the door frame that led to the attached three car garage, he went in for approximately five minutes and walked back inside the house. “You know, Red…” he began, “if you’re okay with it, I think I’ll get a cleanup crew to come over and take care of all this. I’ll be here to supervise when they do, so you don’t have to go out there.”

 

One thing no one tells you, which I will, is that when someone commits suicide (at least in this state) neither the police nor paramedics clean up the scene. They don’t even pick up after themselves. You as the family are expected to do it.

mr. tin man

TIN MAN

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man

You don’t know how lucky you are

You shouldn’t spend your whole life wishing

For something bound to fall apart

 

Every time you’re feeling empty

Better thank your lucky stars

If you ever felt one breaking

You’d never want a heart

 

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man

You don’t know how lucky you are

I’ve been down the road that you’re on

It didn’t take me very far

 

You ain’t missing nothing

‘Cause love is so damn hard

Take it from me darling

You don’t want a heart

 

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man

I’m glad we talked this out

You can take mine if you want it

It’s in pieces now

 

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man

If you don’t mind the scars

You give me your armor

And you can have my heart

 

~ Written by Miranda Lambert, Jack Ingram, John Randall

i guess eleven times is the charm

Tuesday night, my phone rang four times. Hang up. And again, four times and another hang up. This repeated ten times. When it happened for the eleventh time, I finally picked up.

Right out of the gate I hear, “Your voicemail is full, Red.”

“Oh. Hi,” I replied.

“Look…I know you asked me to leave you alone and I’ve done that. For three years, I’ve held to my word. I've left you alone. But that changes when your kid calls me cryin’ her eyes out sayin’ she’s thinking about quitting college to move back home because she’s worried sick about you. That got me thinkin’ maybe I should be a lot more concerned about how you’re doin’. So…how are you doin’, Red?” Chad was very matter of fact and slightly angry in his tone.

I was sort of taken aback and didn’t say anything.

“Okay. So, what is it I can do to snap you the fuck out of all this, huh? Come on, Red! Do you really want Ash to quit school?!”

I quietly responded with, “No.”

“That’s three words out of your mouth. I know you got a hell of a lot more to say than that!” he snorted.

“How are you, Chad?” I asked.

I heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line. “Fuck how I am! I’m all worried about you! Don’t you have anything else to say for yourself?! Jesus, Red! Come on! Please talk to me!”

I honestly couldn’t come up with anything to say to a man I’d been friends with forever.

“Ok…if that’s the way this is gonna go then you give me no choice, honey. I’ll see you in a little while.”

“Wait…no, don’t come here!” I said in a panic.

“Too late, Red!” And he hung up the phone.

An hour and twenty minutes later he pounded on the front door like he was going to break it down. “RED! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!”

Reluctantly, I unlocked the door to let him in. I didn’t want the neighborhood Nick and I had moved into in 2019 confirming I was the resident crazy lady widow recluse.

“Here!” he said as he shoved a bag of Chinese food into my hand and pushed himself right by me.

“Chad,” I started to say something, and he interrupted me.

“When a little girl I’ve watched grow up calls me bawlin’ her eyes out, I just can’t handle it! Especially when it’s Ash!” He walked down the hallway and into the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry, Chad. I don’t know why she called you.” I was ashamed of myself that Ashlee felt pushed to that kind of desperation.

“Well I do! I’m all she’s got left! Both her daddies are gone, and you’ve mentally gone…I don’t know where. She didn’t know who the hell else to call!” He was definitely angry and concerned.

“I…I see your point. Let’s sit down and talk, okay?” I pointed to the kitchen table.

He appeared to let out a huge sigh of relief, pulled a chair out and sat down. He shook his head, “You look like shit, Red. No offense.”

What he said made me chuckle. “Wow! Thanks! No offense taken!”

We sat quietly for a while and ate together.

“You need to get out of this house, honey. It’s like a tomb in here. Red, you need to rejoin the living. Despite being grown up Ashlee still needs her mom and Nick…I know he wouldn’t want you living like this.”

Tears started to pour down my cheeks.

Chad pulled me into his arms. “You listen to me. What he did is not your fault, honey. You aren’t responsible and you’re not to blame. You did more than was humanly possible for that man. You did everything you could possibly do. You cry it all out. Every damn bit of it, Red. I’m here to bring you back to life. That’s what I’m here for. Please…come back to us!”

a concerned daughter

Ashlee made a surprise visit to see me this past weekend. She’s now twenty-one and currently in her third year of college. I hadn’t expected to see her, so I was completely caught off guard. 

“Mom?” I heard her shout from just inside the front door. 

I was on the second floor in the loft reading a book. “Ashlee?” Dropping my book, I headed for the stairs. She met me halfway. 

“What are you doing here, honey? Is something wrong at school?” I asked inquisitively as she stepped up on the landing. 

She pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly. “I was so worried about you,” she sighed with relief. “I tried calling you all week and you weren’t answering your phone!” 

I realized I must have forgotten to charge it and the battery had gone dead. Admittedly, I haven’t been staying on top of things like I used to. I apologized for freaking her out. 

We sat down in the two large brown leather chairs in the loft where she decided it was time to have a heart-to-heart discussion with me. 

“Daddy died three years ago this week. You haven’t been the same since he died, mom. I can’t get you to come to visit me at school. All your friends say they haven’t been able to get in touch with you. Chad says he hasn’t seen or heard from you since the funeral. You won’t even answer the door when people stop by. WHEN was the last time you were out of this house?” She seemed genuinely concerned.  

Depression is fierce. It’s not something I’ve handled well. I find I have been completely numb emotionally and unable to even attempt to deal with anyone or anything. I honestly feel when Nick died, I died too. Only…I’m still physically here for some unknown reason and I’ve become a recluse. 

“I’m so sorry to have worried you, Ashlee. I honestly didn’t mean for you to get all worked up and fly home to check on me. I promise you I will be better at making sure my phone is always charged from now on. I feel terrible for frightening you. I am sorry!” 

 She stood up and paced back and forth momentarily. Then she knelt in front of me. 

“Mom, I have my own apartment this year and I’d really like it if you would go back to school with me even for just a week. I think you need to get out of this house for a while. Being in the same place every day where daddy died can’t be good for you.” 

As hard as this is to write, part of me never wants to leave this house ever again. It almost feels like a betrayal if I walk out the front door. While I love my daughter, I don’t feel it would be fair to her to have to deal with me daily as I currently am. 

“I just need some time, honey. Your daddy dying like he did is not something one gets over easily. I need you to understand I must deal with this in my own time and in my own way, okay? I don’t want you to worry about me.” I feigned a smile. 

 She stayed the weekend but made me promise I would do another  thing for her…write at least once a week on this blog so she has some sense that I am okay.