It's been a while...

I finally did it, kid. 

I got through everything in that massive storage room in our old facility. Spider Q was immensely helpful with this. You have four boxes that will be arriving on your doorstep next week. Not being certain what you wanted to keep I’m sending everything of yours so you can make those choices. The book your daddy made for you is in the bottom of the box labeled “2 of 4”. Horton is in the same box. 

You are magnificent, my darling girl! I’m very proud of you for landing your dream job, for being joyfully happy, AND finding the most fabulous place to live. You’re all grown up and flourishing in the world. That was your daddy’s and my deepest wish for you. I’m so happy it’s come true. 

As I told you last week, I’m locking up our house for now. If, while I’m traveling, something does happen to me, I want you to know I’ve made sure the house and everything else would be yours.

I’ll be honest and tell you I’m a bit nervous about traveling alone for such a length of time. Just know I’ll return home when I feel I’ve done and seen everything I want to. My cellphone will be coming with me. Hopefully, it will work in other countries. If not, I’ll pick up a new one and text you the number.

  

Ashlee, I know you've expressed how disappointed you were that I didn’t marry Chad. There’s a long and short story about why. I’ll give you the short version: I’m still deeply in love with Nick. Crazy? I know but it’s true. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. I have so many meaningful memories of our life together that it’s enough to last the rest of my lifetime.  

Keep in touch when you can. I will do the same. I love you very much, sweetheart. Like daddy used to say, “to the moon and back”.

always trust your gut

A funny thing happened at the airport this morning…

Chad drove me to the airport early this cool, crisp, frosty morning. I told him he could just drop me off at the entrance instead of parking, but he insisted on coming in with me. As I’m standing in line to check in, I looked back at him while he waited outside the line leaning against the tiled pillar. I looked towards the counter and realized I was now third in line.

Something came over me. I can’t really explain it. It was a strange sense of DO NOT get on the plane.

When it was my turn at the check-in counter, I hesitated before I gave my information. I looked back at Chad, who was still patiently waiting, looked at the airline clerk and stated, “I think I’m not supposed to go today.” I quickly picked up my bag and got out of line.

“That was fast!” Chad smiled when I walked over.

“I’m not going,” I blurted out louder than I intended.

“What?!” He sort of laughed when I told him.

When you get a strange feeling, bad vibe, or whatever you want to call it, it’s hard to explain to anyone. One of the things I’ve learned in life is to always trust my gut instinct. It rarely failed me.

“Can you take me home?” I asked quietly.

“Red…what the hell is…” he started whispering and I interrupted him.

“Let’s talk in the car, okay?” I replied with a hush.

christmas 2023

 “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.” - Oscar Wilde

The house was alive Christmas morning with the sounds of young adults’ boisterous laughter. With Ashlee home from college and Chad’s four boys deciding my place was the place to be on Christmas day, the house was full.

Chad and I were in the kitchen prepping the feast when Ashlee decided to ask if there was anything she could do to help. When I handed her the metallic gold placemats to set on the table, she suddenly looked up at me and exclaimed, “Oh my god, Mom!” Followed by the question, “What is that?”

“What is what?” I asked.

She pointed to my ring finger. “That! That HUGE ring! Is that new?”

Well…I’d forgotten to mention it to her as I’d only received it the night before while she was out visiting friends.

“It’s a placeholder,” Chad smirked and walked out to the living room to see what his boys were up to.

Ashlee looked stunned. “A placeholder?! What does that mean?”

 **********

On Christmas Eve, Chad and I found ourselves suspiciously alone.  He invited me over to his new house for dinner and a movie. I mean, you can’t really celebrate Christmas properly without seeing The Christmas Story at least once, right?

After dinner, Chad served me dessert along with a small blue box tied with a white ribbon. He smiled and stated, “Red, I’d like to give you this now while were alone.”

I was surprised and looked up at him.

“Go on and open it!” He crouched down next to my chair at the table.

I slowly untied the ribbon and opened the box. My jaw literally dropped. “Chad, I…” I honestly was at a loss for words.

“Does it fit?” he asked as he pulled this stunning ring out of the box and slid it on my finger.

It fit perfectly.

“I’m…” I started to say as he interrupted me.

“I know, honey. I’d like you to wear this and think of it as a placeholder. You know, so you know when you’re traveling that you have a place – actually two of them – to call home. And I’m patiently waiting here for you when you come back.”

“But…”

Again, he interrupted me.  “I know you’re not over Nick yet. I get that. But I want you to know that when you ARE ready to move on, I’m right here. That’s not gonna change, Red. I’m not going anywhere. This ring is a reminder of that. That’s all it is for now.” He smiled, rubbed my back with his hand, stood up and offered me his hand. “Now, let’s go watch that movie!”

**********

“Chad,” I smiled at him from the kitchen. “Can you come to the kitchen and explain to Ashlee what this ring means? You’d do a much better job at it than I would.”

As Chad got up from the leather chair, his boys were completely silent. Finally, Carson piped up and asked, “You got her a ring and you didn’t tell us?!” The boys seemed very happy with that news. His sons have always liked me.

“Maybe,” I smiled, “you should explain it to all of them.”

We all sat in the living room together while Chad explained what this “placeholder” meant.

walking in a winter wonderland...sort of

 Saturday night…

“Are ya cold?” Chad asked while rubbing his leather gloves over my coat sleeves.

“A little bit,” I smiled.

He reached into his coat and pulled out a small Yeti thermos. “This will take the edge off. I made hot chocolate. Just in case,” he smirked and removed the lid.

I took one small drink, roughly swallowed, and replied laughing with a hoarse voice, “Jesus! Do you like a little bit of cocoa with your peppermint schnapps?!” Then I coughed a few times.

“Better?” He chuckled and took a big swig.

As we walked through the beautifully lit, dressed-up-for-Christmas, no snow to speak of local botanical gardens, he reached over and took my gloved hand in his claiming it was “cold”. We joked about how awful it must be to be the one maintenance guy whose job it is to find that one bulb that went bad out of millions. Most of our time was spent giggling about one thing or another.

When we got under a colorful light-filled canopy he leaned down, put both his palms on my cheeks and kissed me passionately on the lips. Let me tell you…when Chad kisses you, it’s a full on, no-holds-barred kiss that leaves you feeling punch-drunk and weak in the knees.

I hadn’t anticipated that kiss of his to affect me like it did. As he pulled back with a big smile, I was speechless and disoriented. I suddenly threw my arms around his neck and began to kiss him back. Slowly realizing what I was doing, I immediately stopped.

Maybe it was the schnapps, I thought.

Awkwardly, we continued with our walk.

“Red, do you want to talk about what just happened back there?” he chuckled as he asked.

“Nope. No, I really don’t.” I think embarrassment had gotten the better of me.

"you're having a what?"

Thanksgiving was loud and raucous and so much fun. It was great to have the house full of noise and laughter again.

While helping me wash the dishes after dinner, Chad asked me an important and serious question. I was a bit taken aback and wasn’t sure how to respond so I asked if we could talk about it privately this week.

After Ashlee returned to college on Sunday, I had a few days to myself to formulate my answer. When I decided the appropriate thing to say, I called and invited Chad over.

We sat down in my living room and the conversation went as follows:

“I know you’ve patiently waited for my answer and I want to thank you for giving me some time to think about it. Honey, I’m not ready to say ‘yes’ quite yet but this isn’t a ‘no’ either,” I stated.

He looked at me strangely.

“I believe I’m having an existential crisis,” I said to him.

“You’re having a what? What makes you think that?” he asked seriously.

I wasn’t sure how to explain it to him, but I tried.

“For most of my life I’ve had to be…other people. Nick brought me back closer to who I was before everything happened to me but now, with his absence, I feel…how do I put this…lost and in limbo. I have so many emotions and feelings I’m trying my best to deal with. I honestly feel I need to get away from here for a while.” I hoped he’d understand.

“But honey…” he started to say and I interrupted him.

“I’ve booked a trip to India. I’ll be away for a while but I promise you I’ll be back and hopefully have a better grasp of things.”

He asked, “For how long?”

“Forty days,” I replied.

“Forty days?!” He was shocked. “Who are you going with?”

“No one. Just me. I leave January third.”

“Okay hold on here. You’re going to a foreign country you’ve never been to all alone for forty days?!” he asked.

“Yes,” I smiled.

“Alone?!” he asked again.

Historically, I’ve never traveled alone. I think this was pretty surprising news for him. He stood up and paced a little then sat back down.

“India? All right,” he nodded.

appreciation

Ashlee comes home on Tuesday and Chad volunteered to pick her up at the airport. He insisted.

I’ve been busy unpacking his things and putting his new house in order while he’s been extremely busy at work, for a change. Sometimes his minions can only do so much and then he, as the owner, has to get involved. His company suddenly being overwhelmed with business is a very good thing after the lean times from the Covid-19 pandemic.

His son Cole, who is in medical school, will be joining us for Thanksgiving as well. That was a bonus no one expected.

Chad stopped by late last night for dinner…

“God damn! What smells so good, Red?” he shouted as he walked through my door.

“Here. Try this,” I said as I held a spoon up to his lips.

He tasted the sauce from what I’d made. “That is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever had! Is there more of this?” He hunted around the stove top.

“It’s called what’s for dinner,” I snickered. “It’s Beef Burgundy. There’s homemade bread, too," I smiled.

“Wait…you actually MADE all this today?! When did you have time?” He seemed puzzled.

“I used Ronnie’s recipe and added a few of my own ingredients.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “And this is dinner on a random Thursday night at your house. Why am I not moving in here again?” he snickered.

What he said made me laugh. “Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes. Would you open the wine?”

Okay so yes…I took the time to make dinner after cleaning out some of his boxes today. I’ve learned to really enjoy cooking. Appreciation for what I take time to make makes me like it even more.

i could have been wrong

Chad has kept me very busy daily with all this moving of his.

After not being around him for three years, I’d forgotten just how comfortable our relationship has always been.

We have been through a lot together: dating, breaking up, spouses, ex-spouses, and one dead spouse. We’ve both watched each other’s kids grow up. We have, in fact, known each other for most of our lives. Even when we have a fallout and part ways, we always somehow tend to find each other again.

After spending a great deal of time together lately, Chad decided to say out loud what he’d been hinting at over the past several days.

“You’re my best friend, Red. You always have been – even when we were dating. You have no idea how much I missed this: just being around you. I’d like you to give some sincere thought to maybe moving forward from all this ‘just being friends’ to somethin’ more (he paused) permanent.” He said it with all sincerity.

I looked up at him. Before I could respond…

"When you’re ready, of course. No pressure,” he sheepishly smiled.

I simply smiled but was torn on how to respond. So...I didn't say anything.

Admittedly, Ashlee, you may have been right about him and moving on with life.

six

It’s been a busy week of self-care and helping Chad move. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it wasn’t.

The sixty-five boxes of his prized comic book collection are currently residing in my living room while the painter finishes his interior. The new furniture he asked me to help pick out for him should arrive the week after Christmas. I purchased a gift for his new house which I won’t divulge here yet.

When Chad closed on the new house he was given two keys. He gave me one for, quote, “safe keeping”. Uh huh. He had no idea what he’d just done. <smirk>

“Red,” he began with a grin, “my boys want to spend Thanksgiving with me. The new house will still be in flux and I have to be out of the old place by November 30. I wondered, if it’s not too much trouble, would you be willing to host it at your place this year?”

I smiled. “Sure!” I was happy he’d asked.

Later that day Ashlee called and asked if she could come home for Thanksgiving.

“Of course, honey!” I replied. “Just a heads up that Chad and his boys will be here too. I thought you were going to (the boyfriend’s) parents?”

“Nope! I decided we’re through,” she replied very matter of fact.

Well…okay then. I can’t say I’m disappointed because I’m not.

So that’s six for Thanksgiving dinner.

trick or treat

“Aren’t you a little long in the tooth for Trick or Treat, Junior?” I snickered as I realized I’d just opened the door to Chad dressed as Indiana Jones for Halloween.

“Don’t call me Junior!” he smirked as he stepped inside.  

His Indy costume is as old as the original movie and yet he still looks fantastic in it. I think it’s the hat.

“Don’t you have some girl out there waiting for you to charm her while you’re wearing that?” I laughed.

He just grinned. “I’m trying like hell, Red, but I don’t think she’s paying attention!”

Just then the doorbell rang.

“Here,” I handed him the treat bowl. “Give the neighborhood kids a thrill!” I smiled and walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

I probably should have told him the doorbell would ring non-stop for the next two hours. But why ruin my idea of fun.