changes

I meant it when I told Chad I wasn’t over Nick. What I didn’t tell him is that I may never ever be able to get over him. Irregardless of the fact he chose to end his own life, Nick ruined all other men for me just by being himself.

Being in this house hasn’t helped. I keep expecting him to be leaning on the kitchen counter while drinking his coffee when I come down in the morning or to walk around the corner of the hallway upstairs to surprise me or to be napping peacefully on the couch in the family room. Occasionally, I still catch a whiff of his sandalwood soap as I walk past his bathroom. Everything here has memories of him and our life together.

The house is paid for. It’s in an excellent neighborhood close to a large park, small lake, and five miles of walking trails. It’s also one of the most peaceful places I’ve ever lived. You can hear a pin drop at 10:30 p.m. at night. What I’m saying is I don’t see any reason to sell it. So…I’ve decided to make some changes to this house and decided to do it in a very big way all at once.

Last week I had a contractor we had planned to hire to do some work for us come by the house. He was a little surprised when I handed him a three-page list of major changes I want to make to this place during our discussion. He was impressed by how detailed my list was. Apparently, I’ve “thought of everything”. He will provide all the labor and rebuilds and I will do the interior design. We will work together to make this into the home I want it to be now.

As for Chad, he may have a few more years to wait for me. I’m not ready to have any man in my life just yet. I want to continue to be on my own for the time being.