"you're having a what?"

Thanksgiving was loud and raucous and so much fun. It was great to have the house full of noise and laughter again.

While helping me wash the dishes after dinner, Chad asked me an important and serious question. I was a bit taken aback and wasn’t sure how to respond so I asked if we could talk about it privately this week.

After Ashlee returned to college on Sunday, I had a few days to myself to formulate my answer. When I decided the appropriate thing to say, I called and invited Chad over.

We sat down in my living room and the conversation went as follows:

“I know you’ve patiently waited for my answer and I want to thank you for giving me some time to think about it. Honey, I’m not ready to say ‘yes’ quite yet but this isn’t a ‘no’ either,” I stated.

He looked at me strangely.

“I believe I’m having an existential crisis,” I said to him.

“You’re having a what? What makes you think that?” he asked seriously.

I wasn’t sure how to explain it to him, but I tried.

“For most of my life I’ve had to be…other people. Nick brought me back closer to who I was before everything happened to me but now, with his absence, I feel…how do I put this…lost and in limbo. I have so many emotions and feelings I’m trying my best to deal with. I honestly feel I need to get away from here for a while.” I hoped he’d understand.

“But honey…” he started to say and I interrupted him.

“I’ve booked a trip to India. I’ll be away for a while but I promise you I’ll be back and hopefully have a better grasp of things.”

He asked, “For how long?”

“Forty days,” I replied.

“Forty days?!” He was shocked. “Who are you going with?”

“No one. Just me. I leave January third.”

“Okay hold on here. You’re going to a foreign country you’ve never been to all alone for forty days?!” he asked.

“Yes,” I smiled.

“Alone?!” he asked again.

Historically, I’ve never traveled alone. I think this was pretty surprising news for him. He stood up and paced a little then sat back down.

“India? All right,” he nodded.